My feelings have been weird this week (stress, and then other stuff - also happiness and love and worry and hope and frustration and accomplishment). Two nights in a row I've had disturbing dreams; I've been stressed out about this weekend, because it's a new thing I'm doing with Benito and it's actually really important to me and I really want him to have a good time. We're driving to south of Tacoma, WA, which will take maybe 5-6 hours depending on traffic. There's a "single parent family camp" at the Jewish camp there. I honestly don't care about the conversations planned for the adults. My main goal is to get Benito excited about the idea of going to camp, so that I can share that general experience with him. My summer camp summers were amongst the best times I've had, and I don't think day camps compare at all. I so very much want Benito to be excited by this opportunity, and this is the start of it.

There's also the drive down: in my childhood, we drove a LOT, many trips of many hours, to go to my grandparents in New Jersey. We drove from western PA, we drove from Michigan, and we drove from Florida. Once we had a van, Abba set up a TV and VCR in it for us, but in the earlier years it was books and word searches and music and looking out the window or reviewing the Triptik at length. I loved it. I want that for Benito, but not if it means 5-6 hours of him being on his Switch.

The hostages are set to be released any time within the next 72 hours. I feel more hopeful now than I did 12 hours ago, but I'm still holding in, waiting to see how many are alive, waiting to see if they follow through, barely willing to believe it's going to happen. We want hearts to be turned towards peace, but believing it will happen is so hard.

To do today: finish laundry, minimal packing, go to Ellen's house and get some cupcakes for Monday (hopefully dinner with friends, unless we're celebrating the release of hostages with our shul). Work - it's a work day. I have to make some phone calls, do a cybersecurity training (mandatory), meet with two students, keep on top of email, maybe book a space for an event in January, email a bunch of instructors about an event coming up... okay, maybe I can start to focus on all the work now that I've written a bit.

This is important to me. I feel incredibly responsible for being the one who gives Benito every opportunity to become a responsible, ethical Jewish adult. He will make his own choices (i.e. if he follows this religion or any religion, and how he chooses to do so) once he's independent. It's entirely possible for a person to have zero Jewish background and choose it for themselves. It's possible for a rabbi's kid to wander in their faith and land on their Jewish feet down the road. I don't know if it's residual pushing from Abba, this need to prove that intermarriage didn't kill the Judaism in his grandchild. I honestly can't tell if I'm still "grieving" or not. Thinking of Abba isn't the same as grieving, nor do I think that missing talking to him is inherently grief. I don't know that the word matters. I don't know that I would be asking for his help or insight were he alive: he wasn't as present for that as he was when Tahl had her babies, or Gadi his.

Now I'm just rambling, when I clearly have other things to do. I'd like to ramble s'more. Maybe sitting in front of an empty page more regularly would be good for me.